Sunday, April 4, 2010


Last night totally sucks. Sucks to the max. Cried like mad because of my family while messaging with Rongzhou. I told nobody, i want nobody to know, yet i think i need to post everything out cause i had enough. You won't have the patience to continue reading on, believe me.
I hate this. Fuck my life.

Happy family. 2 simple words, yet so hard. Siblings quarreling, parents getting unhappy over little things. They say that I'm stubborn, they say that my attitude sucks. Do they even understand? People say that you can always go to your parents when everything is crashing down on you. Right. When everything is crashing down on me, my parents only made it worse by giving me more problems and misunderstanding me. They don't know how i feel deep inside, they don't know how hurt i am. They say that I'm rebellious, refused to listen to them and all i do and say only make them upset. So they're upset and I'm not? Everything sister and brother, what about me? I'm also your child, I'm also a human you know. I have feelings, and i need love and care from you 2 as well. You know?

All they do all day long is to scold scold and scold. Imagine you coming home from school, and once you stepped into the house, your mother started scolding you. How will you feel like seriously? I cannot hide my emotions well, so she definitely will know if I'm sad. So why must she continue scolding? I need rest. Really. You say you don't like to scold me. Well, do you think i like the feeling of getting scolded? Nobody likes it you know.
Imagine your father asking you to go and die. These 3 words, you know how much it hurts? Go and die. Like seriously, it means he don't want me you know.

Parents might be by my side everyday, but what they did made me feel like i don't have them and they don't need me. Nobody was there for me. I'm just asking for comfort, yet they decided to throw me to one side. Why why why why why? Is it really that shameless to have a daughter like me? My attitude sucks, my studies are not good, teachers complained about me, your friends said things about me. So what? I'm still your child, aren't I? Why must you two treat me like I'm not one?

I was crying so bad yesterday, and yet they don't give a damn. What they did only make me cry harder, make me feel that I'm very useless, make me feel like even if i were to not exist in this world it won't make any differences. I just wanted to catch a show, why must they start to scold and beat me? I'm already 13. I'm not somebody for you guys to vent your anger on. If not for what happened yesterday, i would not wake up. I would not know the "Shervel" in both of your eyes. Mum keep bringing up things i did in the past. I told her that i was changing, but she said she didn't notice any changes in me. I hate it. I did change. I DID.

This family is no longer the family i once know. I feel no love showered on me, I feel no care towards me. Everything sister and brother. This family is totally broken, and i cannot fix it back by myself. How i wish i can go back to when I'm still a toddler. Then i can have all their attention on me, and when i can feel the love and care. I really need them you know.

I say i envy those with happy families, and i really mean it. Why is it that they can sit down and have a meal happily? Why is it that their parents can really understand them? Why is it that they can spend a day without quarreling? Why is it that they can be so loving? Why is it that they can joke and laugh together? Why is it that they can remain such a good relationship with their family? Why why why, and why can't my family do all these?

I realise that it's really time for me to grow up and really be independent. I know i cannot rely on my parents anymore. But I'm really tired of everything. I really really really gave up. I cannot stand all these shit anymore. Too much. When can all these end? I find no courage inside me to be able to continue all these sufferings.

I'm sad, yet i need to put up a strong front in front of everybody, everyday. It is really really very tiring for me to do so, and very hard to. I want to end all, this feeling inside me cannot be described. Don't say you understand how i feel, cause you won't. You won't know how much it hurts to find nobody by your side comforting you. This sucks. Fuck my life. Fuck my family. Fuck everything. Fuck myself. I can just die. Really.

I don't think i want to continue any further. Tears rolling down again, damn. And there my father goes, scolding me again. See what i mean? :(

Don't ask me anything if you were to read this. Don't ask.